Sometimes this journey just isn’t much fun.

When going on a journey like the one Erin and I are on, it is such a journey of hope; everyone you speak to is so excited for you to be having a child.  Everyone promises to cross their fingers and toes, they tell you that they have a feeling that this time it will definitely work, that they know it will only be a matter of time before we hear some good news.  I love hearing this, it makes me believe that ‘yeah!! We can do this’  but the unfortunate part for Erin and I is that so far it hasn’t worked.  Each negative result gets just a bit harder to swallow.  When we were doing the direct insemination instead of IVF there was a far lower expectations, so while it wasn’t good news, it also wasn’t devestating.  This month however we had our first embryo transfer, and when that didn’t work I was not expecting to feel as crushed as I did.  This wasn’t a case of squirting some sperm up there and hoping for the best….. this was a seven celled living being (all be it a minuscule one) that was being implanted and I couldn’t keep it alive…. to make matters worse I always get these phone calls while I am still at work…. all I want is to run home to Erin but mostly it just isn’t possible.  I have a very wise older brother who once told me that sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it and that was what I had to do.

I bet you are saying to yourself that I am a silly duck for getting my hopes up in the first place,  but that is the human conditions isn’t it, I told myself every day that there is a less than 50% chance that this will work so don’t get your hopes up, but hope just kept creeping in, every time I saw another baby on Facebook, in the supermarket or spent time with my nieces and nephews hope just sneaks in… that little glimmer that maybe…. just maybe that will be us soon.  

Wow, it is quite the pity party I am throwing myself today.  I don’t really want to dwell on the negative it is not how I generally operate but the last thing I will say on this matter is that the final icing on the cake here is that with some many hormones and drugs in my system we go through all of this while feeling sick and/or in pain the whole time, after the egg collection and transfer I felt short of breath, I had lots of pains in the stomach, I developed a yucky cough, I was constipated and hardly had any energy to function. So I is easy to understand how my emotional resilience had become highly compromised throughout the last month or so.

When we get bad news, I find it much easier to deal with when I know what is coming up next, for me that means having a good conversation with Dr Moses: for me this particular conversation was a huge lifeline he told me that medically there was no reason for the embryo not to take, my uterus and hormones were doing everything they were supposed to do, my blood work was all normal.  To him this meant that the issue wasn’t with my body, he thought that maybe the embryo may have had some chromosomal abnormalities, when the body senses this it will flush the embryo out which is what Dr Moses thinks has happened.  Yes!!! Maybe this means my body can do this!! He prescribed me some estrogen to take three times a day (to make my uterine lining luscious) and we will attempt to transfer our second embryo later this week.

One silver lining in this process is the amazing people we have met along the way! Most of my teacher friends will understand this when I say that sometimes you meet parents of your school students and you think to yourself ‘if we had met under different circumstances I bet we could be good  friends’ and I certainly feel this way about some of the people we have met along the way! Jenny is one such woman, she has had the sometimes unfortunate job of being the bearer of bad news for us, she was the one who had to break the news to us that we were going to miscarry and that our first IVF transfer didn’t work, but she also shares with us with 100% sincerity the hope and sometimes joy that we have also had along the way.  This job would be that much harder without her unwavering support.  The other one who stands out to me is Lisa our radiographer, I am pretty sure I am the only person on the planet who in some ways looks forward to those awkward ultrasounds.  She is relaxed and confident and makes what could be a very scary and dawnting procedure into a fun and fascinating experience!  She also has a habit of unleashing her students on me too, which I find to be a great source of pride, these students are fantastic, gentle and soooooo darn excited to have someone who will let them practice and improve their skills.  So far I have had Mohammad and Angela practice on me under Lisa’s expert tutelage and aside from them gaining valuable experience, I have also learned lots about the inside of my body! Did you know that your ovaries hang our very close to your intestines and sometimes they get hidden in behind them, making them very hard to find!  I was telling Lisa about our blog on Monday and we have made a deal, when I do fall pregnant that’s when we will do a selfie for the blog!!  I sometimes imaging bringing our baby back to all these wonderful physicians, I can’t wait for that day!


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