This sucks!

So it has been a really funny few weeks for us, last time I blogged we were filled with hope after our third IUI but a very strange thing happened…… It worked!  I was pregnant!!!! But as soon as we found out I suddenly realised that blogging about it might not be such a good idea, I suddenly realised that it could be quite disrespectful to post about it online before letting both our families know.  But with that said Erin wanted to wait just a little while before telling her family she wanted to wait until we were a bit closer to getting out of the ‘danger zone’ so unfortunately that meant no blogging for a while.
I was very lucky to have a really supportive workplace, I told only my team that I had fallen pregnant because I needed their support because physically I would now have to step back a bit.  And I am so completely thankfully of how they have stepped up to support me with this.  It was also lovely to share my daily experiences with such a kind and compassionate group of individuals, I am lucky to have them around.
Part of the process with IUI involves extra blood tests, I have had weekly blood tests since the first positive test one month ago.  I was really glad that this was the case because I had been spotting intermittently throughout, initially the blood tests were all fine however this past Friday we received some pretty devastating news, my hormone levels had dropped dramatically and the little embryo inside me had no chance of survival. Devastated, I have no other words, just devastated especially because the night before I had had a dream that the baby was a girl I had woken up so excited about it all.  Anyway once again I have my wonderful team at work to thank, they let me come straight home and hug my beautiful partner.  

Needless to say there were lots of tears over the next few hours but I did have a phone call from my mum, she basically said ‘I love you, this sucks, but know that it is not the end of the world’.  At the time I though she was being quite an ass, but she was right, it does suck but I read a study that said that 85% of people of people who have had a miscarriage go on to have a successful pregnancy.  So insead of dwelling on the loss I have instead been focusing and thinking about all the good things I have in life while also planning ahead for the next step in our baby making adventure.  Mum had just started knitting our first baby blanket when we found out the bad news, but we both agreed that despite the setback she definitely should not stop the knitting, it will happen, I just hope sooner rather than later!

Anyway we found out on Friday that the pregnancy wasn’t viable but we still had some unpleasantness ahead.  I decided to take a few days off work I couldn’t handle work and that together.  I didn’t know if it was going to hurt or how I was going to feel as my body let go of the embryo, but I wanted as many distractions as possible.  We didn’t cancel any of our plans and  I am so glad we didnt, being around people who didn’t know what we were going through was so refreshing, even the ones that did know didn’t dwell on it or give me too much ‘sympathy face’.  The last few days haven’t been pleasant but we got through it and I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and returning to life as normal.

I don’t like to dwell on the past too much and am happy to say goodbye to this yucky chapter.  Today we started planning the next step which for us is IVF, it will be a few weeks before we are ready to go but in the mean time we get to choose a new donor!!!! We will keep you updated when we choose!

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